Bad sex? Your ex? What to do next? Comment’s Agony Aunts have you covered


My boyfriend only lasts 5 minutes every time we have sex. How can I get him to slow it down?

“I am really sorry, but it seems your boyfriend sucks. I am sick of hearing this problem because it’s easy to fix – dump him. This guy is meant to like you, meant to think you’re great. On a one night stand, you could excuse a little selfishness but this is a long-term situation and he clearly doesn’t think about you enough to SLOW DOWN. – (Jack interrupts) – Alternatively, every time he’s about to cum, give him a pinch on the back of his arm, just enough to stop him, and just enough to condition him into thinking pain = don’t cum. Then feed him a treat.” – Sophie Bunce

“Firstly, this sounds shit, and I’m really sorry. But you’ve gotta talk to him about it. Tell him it’s happening and hopefully, he’ll notice. Chances are he doesn’t know he’s doing it. It’s that classic moment in a film when someone gives it the ole’ one-pump-finish and then asks if their partner enjoyed it (they didn’t). These things are all about communication, it’s supposed to be a two-way street, and if you’re not enjoying it then something’s wrong. Life’s too short for shit sex and life’s certainly too short for shit boyfriends who don’t care.” – Jack Ashton

A boy I was sleeping with at home came to visit me and ended up sleeping with one of my course mates. He doesn’t know I know. Should I say something?

“Only one thing will cut this- you’ve gotta go to his uni, find the best looking person you can, and sleep with them. You really have to. Forces in the universe converge at very few moments like this, and it would be a disservice to those forces if you didn’t travel to his uni just to embarrass him. The pure cheek of his actions requires an equal level of embarrassment in response, but if you don’t think you’ve got it in you to do that, any other embarrassing sexual act would do. Is he shit in bed? Shame if people found out. Either way, please make him pay.” – JA

“Mixing home and uni is a complicated thing. Sometimes it works, and other times they sleep with your course mates. The main thing is – does it matter you know? I think you’re overthinking this one. Sex is normal and if they both like you, there was always a good chance they’d like each other. So don’t worry about it. Mention it as a “do you wanna know something funny” kind of story and laugh about it together. It’s all good. If nothing else, you’ve got a good story to tell everyone in a couple years time.” – SB

I slept with my course mate in freshers week and she’s still obsessed with me and follows me around. How do I tell her I just don’t like her like that?

“Avoid her like the plague. No one likes a difficult conversation, especially not on a night out. Your two hands should be used holding VKs, not comforting a practical stranger. If you see her coming, walk the other way. Get your mates to keep an eye out as well to avoid bumping into her. The worst spot in the LCR for an unwanted meeting is the stairs into Blue Bar. So keep your eyes on the ground and avoid that girl.” – SB

“We’ve all been here; everyone’s hidden in an LCR toilet cubicle to avoid that person on a night out. If you’re looking to emerge from the cubicle and actually enjoy your night for once, you gotta be straight with them. Bring them to one side, probably when you’re a little drunk on a night out to soften the blow, make sure their friends are around, and to paraphrase, let them know you’re just not that into them.” – JA

My boyfriend said he wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend, I didn’t know he thought of her like that and I’m not sure how I feel. What’s the best thing to do?

“There’s one clear option here, you have to turn the tables on him. “Sure, we can have a threesome with Claire but only if we have one with Keith too.” Here’s how you play it, if he does something you don’t like with your best friend and intentionally tries to make you jealous, you do the exact same with his best friend. Does he pay Claire a little too much attention? Then lucky Keith. Did you feel a bit excluded? He’d sure be in a pickle if you made him feel the same, wouldn’t he. It’s his move. You’ve technically done nothing wrong.” – JA

“In relationships, communication is key. You’re feeling uncomfortable and he probably knows, so it’s time to talk. Have you taken the time to discuss how you’re feeling? If you haven’t properly explained what you’re thinking and you found out what he feels, you’ll end up filling in the gaps yourself. He might think you’re a lot more open to these things than you actually are, or he may have misread some signal along the line (it happens, I’m not sure how, but it does). So avoid unnecessary tension and have a conversation. It’s simple really.” – SB

My boyfriend wants me to meet his parents, but he’s French and his parents live in France. So essentially, he wants a holiday. I don’t think I’m there yet but want to meet his parents. Any help?

“Two words: Free holiday. You, in the south of France, with the sun and a nice drink, reading an even better book and absolutely 100% boyfriend-less and boyfriend’s parents-less. Can you think of a more delicious setting? You get into Charles de Gaulle and tell him to wait for you in the bit with the cheap cigarettes while you nip to another shop. If that other shop happens to be a beach, and if ‘I’ll be back in 5 turns into the world’s most savage breakup, well…” – JA

“With this problem, you have technology on your side. Using Skype, you can meet the parents and exit easily with a line like “Mum’s got dinner on the table.” It’s brilliant because you don’t have to be in France, likely in their home, with no exit route. Meeting the parents is one thing, and well done for wanting to, but a holiday is a lot. So don’t go to France but hop on Skype for a chat. I’m sure it is equally gorgeous through an iPhone screen.” – SB




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