Michael Gove wrote a very long apology to his French teacher about how he was such a ruffian in his classes.

Gove, must try harder

He wanted to say how sorry he was for behaving like any other teenager in any other secondary school. You know, generally having an attitude and ego the size of the continental US I’m sure that very few of us can claim to have been perfect during our school, but now Gove has outdone us all in his saintliness. He had stood up and said that he was very, very wrong to be like that.

To compound my need for a sick bucket, the teacher wrote back a letter so gushing in praise that it must have been composed on a side of fudge with syrup as ink. He says he had already picked out Gove as a future Conservative leader, noting an already developed dislike of plebs. Gove claims that this is part of a sweeping new wave of respect for teachers. He totally loves the teaching profession, and threatening to take away their unions and to fire all the head teachers in Britain is really just linked into liking them so much.

As much as I dislike him, I can understand why he did this. He is in charge of reforms which have variously insulted and demoralised teachers up and down the country. He wants to give the impression that he has an understanding and respect for the profession – to which I give an ‘F’ for effort. If you want to make a big deal about being so contrite, and saying that teachers have a hard job, then why not apologise to all your teachers? Then you can bask in the warm glow of so many compliments along the lines of ‘sharp wit, strongly held beliefs, backed by apparently limitless general knowledge and keen debating skills, which resulted in the downfall of many opponents.’ And leave the rest of us wondering how you can be such a keen wit in French and yet such a befuddled mess in English.

Or better yet, you could write an apology to all those teachers who are in fear for their jobs. Still smarmy, but more effort involved.