Huel needs to be hurled into hell. It’s a vitamin powder you blend with water to substitute your entire diet. It’s liquid lunch. And breakfast. And also dinner. I do of course realise I’m not exactly the target market for this food smoothie, which by the way, looks like wet cement. It’s mainly for those of us either trapped in office cubicles with only five-minute lunch breaks or all those calorie-counting gymaholics out there.

I suppose the legitimacy of my opinion is hindered somewhat by the fact I’ve never tasted the stuff. But when I’m walking down the street and see a pile of dogshit on the pavement I don’t need to give it a lick to know what it is. Besides, my main point of contention with the trend Huel is setting and what it says about where our collective food habits may be heading.

Perhaps it’s unfair to place all the blame on Huel – there are several other companies within the meal replacement market, such as Ambronite and Soylent to name a few. But the Facebook algorithms are insistent on shoving Huel down my throat – so I’m not too sorry.

Look, we don’t always have the time or patience to cook. That’s a fact of life, but there’s no chance Huel will ever win me over with the single promise I can become a more efficient worker.

No. Food is when you lean back and bite into a sandwich and, even if just for a moment, that sandwich is the only thing in the world that matters. Food is waiting for that dough to rise overnight so the house can smell of freshly baked bread in the morning. Food is sitting around a table. It’s sharing with loved ones or just stuffing your face for the sheer joy of it.

Yet mostly, food is culture. It’s a hotchpot of vibrant colours and flavours that can be a reflection of not just communities, but our own personality.

What’s Huel if not a sad grey substitute in comparison? It’s bland and it’s as disinterested in you as you are in it. Is being time and health-conscious really worth sacrificing flavour? I say no. There is no way Huel is the future of food. And yeah, I know they come in flavours – but why not just eat a damn banana?


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