I usually make this dish for my family on Sundays, but it’s honestly up to you when to cook it. Just remember that it’s not animal-friendly, so don’t go serving it to your pets or in-laws. Everything in this dish is organic, free-range, vegan, gluten-free, and still quite delicious.

Please note that the ingredients list below is not comprehensive – some of the things mentioned in the recipe are usual household foodstuffs, so there shouldn’t be a life-long cosmic journey to find them.

Preparation time

Irrelevant

Serves

No purpose

Ingredients 

A sprinkle of looming angst

3 heaped teaspoons of emotional fragility

1½ cups of Excel spreadsheets and mind-numbing office gossip

50g of Facebook requests and vapid comments

3 fl oz of shallow pseudo-philosophical chats (I personally recommend ‘with drunk strangers in the local club’s smoking area’)

Thinly sliced handful of childhood regrets

Salt and pepper for seasoning

Methods

1.     Line a baking tray with parchment paper.

2.    Crush a teaspoon of futile attempts to pursue escapism, and combine with fresh emotional fragility.

3.    Stir the introspective adolescent anguish you had suppressed so well, slowly folding in the Excel spreadsheets and mind-       numbing office gossip.

4.    At this stage, be very careful not to let any air into the mixture. A bubbly personality is a sign that you’ve made a mistake with your stirring technique.

5.    Bore a hole in the middle with your sharp wit and superiority complex, then pour in the Facebook requests and vapid comments. If you have any spare eye-rolls and exasperated sighs around, feel free to blend them in.

6.    Mix together the shallow pseudo-philosophical chats with sun-dried apathy (2 or 3 should be enough).

7.    To finish, add the childhood regrets, though be sure to not add too much as it may leave a bitter taste.

8.      Spoon the stew into bowls, and serve with a sprinkle of looming angst.

In terms of variations, it depends on who you ask. My mother-in-law swears by her own recipe, where you switch childhood regrets for vine-ripened single episode of any reality TV series. Having tried it myself, I’d say the texture is quite thick, and the taste is definitely blander!