Picture the scene: the lights are low and sultry, you’ve managed to find some underwear without holes in, and you’ve spent a good five to ten minute Febreeze-ing your boudoir to within an inch of its sorry life (what is that smell, anyway?)

It doesn’t matter if you’ve got lucky at the LCR after copious amounts of VK, or if you’ve finally found The One, put on the wrong music and, at best, this could end up as another hilarious anecdote to laugh about with your friends over a pint/Lambrini/over-priced cocktail whilst inwardly sobbing “WHY AM I SO ALONE?” At worst, it could end as the world’s most awkward sexual nightmare which you repress so far into your grubby little subconscious that your mojo is never quite the same again.

We here at Venue care deeply about all of your needs, sexual or otherwise, and want you all to have a long, fulfilling and nasty sex life. So, here are a few do’s, don’ts, and revelations about what your sex playlist really says about you.

Firstly, the shuffle playlist feature is not your friend. Not at all. Obviously you want to create the appearance of being spontaneous and carefree and fun, but what you really need is meticulous planning. We’ve all been at that party where everyone starts reminiscing about the early 2000’s and somebody rushes off to put on their 2003 playlist. Sean Paul’s back catalogue: great! Daniel Bedingfield’s Gotta Get Thru This: even better! White Flag by Dido: awkward hush descends on the room. Imagine if that happened whilst in bed with The One/attractive stranger: truly harrowing. By the way, if you think any of those are suitable sex tracks then you almost definitely own a matching tracksuit in baby pink or baby blue with white stripes down the side.

Just because something sounds phenomenal when you’re grinding on the kitchen units at a house party does not mean it’s in anyway appropriate for the bedroom. In particular, although we can all agree that Missy Elliott’s early work is a seminal example of female Hip Hop, playing anything by her whilst in a five mile radius of anyone you fancy will make you seem like a crazy sexual terrorist. That woman is just too hot to handle and it’s a price we all have to pay.

If the 80s are your thing, a well-constructed playlist of non-cheesy, alternative classics will never do you wrong. Think New Order, Talking Heads, Bauhaus, and The Human League (NOT Don’t You Want Me, you fool). Joy Division is another good choice but the potential risk factor has to be considered. Accidentally let Love Will Tear Us Apart slip through and you probably won’t end up getting down and dirty, but rather watching Titanic and crying for the full three and a half hours. Well done, you.

In a similar vein, there is no excuse for ever putting on The Smiths. Not even if one or both of you have thick ray bans and a Meat Is Murder t-shirt. Even if it doesn’t make you depressed, it does make you a dick. Save Moz for when you’re alone, thinking about your feelings (obviously), or when you’re talking about your feelings (duh) with your best friend/someone you met half an hour ago and wondering if they’re The One. He’d probably prefer it, to be honest.