Deputy Editors' Column

2020 has not gone well, but this ragu recipe will

I originally wrote this editorial about how great my life was going despite how awful 2020 has been. Well, that dropped like the New York Yankees’ win possibility in the 11th inning of the 1995 American League Division Series. So, now I have to pull a 180 and write about something else. I considered writing about suicidal thoughts but it’s not that interesting is it? Last year, the editors generally wrote about university life, the paper, you know, boring stuff, so I think I need to talk about a major topic of interest for me: ragu.

First, you want to brown the mince in your pot, bit of olive oil. Then, remove the mince to a pot and throw some chopped bacon in there. Let it crisp up then put a mix of finely chopped carrots, celery, and onion into the pot (this is called mirepoix, say this if you want to feel smart). Add some minced garlic too. The pot should be on medium heat and you should cook this mixture until it starts sticking to the bottom. Add some red wine and deglaze the bottom of the pot. Pour in the mince from earlier and consistently stir until the wine has cooked off. Add tomato paste, let it go dark. Add blended tomatoes, then stir that. After a bit of time, put vegetable stock and milk in, then add some basil, oregano, parsley, salt, pepper, a bay leaf, and some nutmeg in. Mix it all together and leave for 4 hours with the lid off, until your awful family start asking for food and you just satiate them so they’ll leave you alone for 5 god damn minutes. Towards the end, add a tablespoon of butter for a bit of richness and then serve. Trust me, it’s an elite tier ragu.

I’ve done the research and it costs £10 to make 5 or 6 portions of this, with pasta. Now using this degree value calculator thing (, I’ve worked out my lifetime earnings will be £724,000. Sounds low, but we move. That means I can make roughly 362,000 portions of this ragu assuming I spend no money on anything else for the rest of my life, which was the plan. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a great plan. Now that budgeting plan on the same page has a lot of other advice like renting homes or building credit, but personally I’m just here for ragu. Here for ragu time not a long time. Hahah, I make myself laugh.

Anyway, that’s my first editorial done. Bye. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Read the paper. Also, I couldn’t work this in naturally, but all the senior editorial team received awards nominations last year and I want you to know that. Also, I’d like to complain about how shoe shops often don’t have my size in. Also, why aren’t yoghurts part of meal deals anymore?


About Author

Matt Branston

Comment Editor - 2019/20

Co-Deputy Editor - 2020/21

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January 2022
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