So, I was dating a guy about a year ago – well I wasn’t too sure if we were really dating until one particular evening. This dude was playing the classic ghosting game which left me very confused and annoyed. Pretty late one night I was at home and I got a message from my Ghost. He tells me he is OUTSIDE my house! Not only was he outside my front door, but incredibly pissed. I let him in (he had wine) but I was even more shocked to be pounced on as soon as we were sat down on my couch. The Ghost confessed his feelings whilst trying to get off with me, only to return to his ghostly ways a few days later, leaving me, well, a bit weirded out.
Having sat for coffee, he pulled out his phone and shoved towards me, saying, ‘Have a scroll through my Insta!’ This was shortly after he told me he had a love of fashion – he wanted me to see him in his cool clothes, as well as in his underwear. I wouldn’t have been too bothered if this was the extent of his narcissism, but as it turned out, our date very soon became what was pretty much his turn in the confessional booth from that point onward. Perhaps the most worrying things he admitted to me that he was a violent drunk, had been banned from Castle Mall, and had broken into a several bars throughout the city. Yet, he still managed to astound me when describing in full detail the time he snuck into his friend’s foster home, took her out clubbing, and then drew enough attention to himself that she got arrested by the police for being underage. Eventually, he pushed me over the edge when telling me, in a dazed voice, ‘Yeah, I had a date with this guy yesterday, but he didn’t like me. I think I put him off with talking about my bad mental health and drinking problem.’ After that, I messaged a friend to tell them to call me with a fake emergency – took the call – and left little after an hour of being on the date.
When I was in Sixth Form, I got taken out to a date. In Chelmsford. I took the train up to Chelmsford for a DATE. We went ice skating and he kept trying to hold my hand (in theory: cute) but also kept falling over (in practice: not cute), and then we went to a restaurant on the CHELMSFORD waterfront, where he didn’t say a word but still managed to show me all the contents of his mouth the whole time. In Chelmsford. I broke it off the next day when he texted and asked if I wanted to change my relationship status on Facebook after two dates.
On my worst date the guy wouldn’t let me buy us drinks so I drank six double gin and tonics in protest. I’m a small girl and it was in a short time, so it will come as no surprise that it was a slow and difficult walk home. Once I got inside, I sat on my kitchen floor as my wonderful housemate made me an omelette while lamenting the difficulties of modern dating. I woke up to a headache and an indecipherable poem I’d written in our fridge magnets. ‘He, the river, lozenges populate never.’ I was right about the never part – I didn’t see the guy again.
I have always looked young and when I was about 17 I took a girl I like to the cinema for a first date. We were seeing the movie Sightseers (which despite the date was amazing). This was rated a 15 but unfortunately, this baby boy forgot his I.D. Prickled by this implication that I couldn’t see the movie without it, I righteously called my mother to prove my age in front of my date until the Odeon employee said ‘it’s fine(!) you can go in(!)’ Ignoring this, I still found it prudent to ask later on the date if she could rate it out of 10. We’re now firm friends but she does often remind me of what an insane dork I was that night.