I hate things ending.
I’ve never been a fan of conclusions, curtain calls, or moving on. Even when I’m moving away from something I don’t like, I’m filled with an enormous anxiety that gnaws away in the pit of my stomach.
Take my last day of GCSEs for example, I had spent eleven years of my life hating most of the people I went to school with and literally counting down the days until I moved to my A-Level college, but spent most of that last day in tears so heavy I could barely speak.
I just couldn’t get over the fact that this chapter was ending, and as much as I didn’t like being there, I had grown comfortable in the familiarity of my surroundings.
For some reason letting go seemed like the last thing I wanted to do at that moment, even when I knew it was the best thing for me. This reluctance is something that has continued into other areas of my life. I’ve put up with one-sided friendships because I hated the idea of stepping away from these people as an example.
However, this fear has been scariest when applied to the looming completion of my undergraduate degree. At present I am repeating my final year and the fact I’ll be finished in under two months is not a comforting one. I’ve spent most of my adult life being a student, and losing this status feels like I’m about to be pushed off a cliff.
I feel like I should have the rest of my life planned out, and yet do not know what Iíll be
doing after May. This ending feels so final and fixed, pushing me into the real world before Iíve had a chance to get my bearings.
So, if you think this sounds like a very quick root to a total breakdown, you’d be correct.
However, at present I’m focusing on trying to find the positives in an ending. I may not be able to continue as an undergraduate, but I have an idea for what I want to do next and I’m putting the necessary steps in to achieve these goals.
While my undergraduate journey has been longer than most, the time has come for me to say goodbye and look towards the next big adventure.
Instead of wearing myself down with constant anxiety and imposter syndrome I am looking for the good in goodbye. To quote Winnie the Pooh, “how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
At present I donít know how I’ll feel after my last hand-in or at my graduation ceremony
when I move into post-university life. I just hope that whatever new beginning I find myself in will feel like the best thing to do next.
So here’s to accepting the endings for what they are, and looking forward to exploring the
big bad world out there.