Fashion, OldVenue

It’s not you, it’s your beard

Enter the masculine man. He’s dressed to impress, he’s single, he’s ready to mingle. The ladies swoon. The men drool. It has nothing to do with his ripped body or his glistening smile. It’s his bristling beard. The bum fluff bearers hang their head in shame as he saunters past. What is the male obsession with the perfect beard? The answer: testosterone, testosterone, testosterone.

Plenty of men that I have stumbled across in my very short lifetime are still, unfortunately, in the “nearly beard” stage. The “nearly beard” is a very real problem for youths of today; it consists of the on-going struggle to acquire the perfect style of facial hair. Many a man in his prime of puberty has been hit with the relationship breaking line, “It’s not you, it’s your beard.” Although this may be extreme, no woman enjoys looking at barely-there spatters of hair dotted with vibrant ginger. Let’s be honest girls: it’s not sexy.

Understandably, the concept of an unattractive furry face leaves the male sex questioning their masculinity. Should they take the risk of exercising their right as manly men to grow some outstanding fuzz? Or, will they enter the dangerously uncool “lazy grease growth” phase? It leaves so much to chance. No man stumbles across a homeless person curled up on a bench, clutching a bottle of whisky, and remarks, “Phwoar, look at the beard on that guy!” There is a very obvious line between what is OK and what is not with regards to beard etiquette.

However, taking this important factor into account with regards to certain celebrity’s facial hair choices, it does leave society rather confused, and thus regrettably we enter the “mid-life crisis beard” phase. Exhibit A: Brad Pitt. Whatever happened to his clean shaven and, let’s be perfectly honest, ravishing facial exterior?

We watched in horror as Brad passed from clean cut to you-need-to-clean-yourself-up. Maybe it was the weight of age resting heavily on his shoulders that sparked off the moronic trend, or maybe it was Angelina’s influence (although we pray it was not). Or maybe, just maybe, Brad had watched Pirates of the Caribbean on too many times and convinced himself that the Johnny Depp goatee could suit him. Let us remind you Mr Pitt that the only person that can sport two plaits of hair hanging from his face and still keep the ladies flocking is Captain Jack Sparrow and him alone.

Yet with all this mad, media-inspired beard propaganda, as well as the all-important “Movember” month that has come around once more, we ladies still ask ourselves the same question: at the end of the judgement, abuse and mocking, is the beard rash really worth it?

Photo: Chole Hashemi


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May 2022
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