A morning in the life of Corbyn

The Corbynator wakes up panic-stricken. He had a nightmare that Britain might stay in The Single Market and the EU will curb state aid, or nationalisation.

Corbo perceives that the problem is their stance on competition rules, set out in Article 107 (another EU law). The EU thinks state aid is legal until it alters competition within an industry or the free market. Yet he relaxes, poring over reminders of the two best moments of his election campaign: a photo of him and his mates at Glasto, and Fields of Wheat (oil on canvas).

Today Jezza’s in a winning mood. He may’ve lost the last election but everyday he dominates the news-cycle, winning those headlines. His eyes scan across his to-do list: ‘Don’t mention Brexit’. ‘Point finger at Tory failures’. ‘Make sure we leave EU, clean break’. ‘Blame Tories for unemployment post-Brexit’. ‘Win next election’.

He chuckles at the list’s simplicity. He’ll be chatting to unshakable Remainers today. They don’t have a clue about this list. Then again, neither do the Brexiteers. To tell the truth, he hasn’t mentioned it to most of Labour, but they don’t need to know, not when it’s all so obvious.

When the Tories screw up Brexit he’ll rise to victory, basking i n glory after leaving The Single Market and doing away with EU regulations. He’ll re-nationalise key industries, and he won’t have to contend with those pesky EU competition rules and their stance against state aid. He glances at the photo of Maggie on his dartboard. Soon he’ll have some real revenge.

His reluctance to mention his plan to Labour rests in Chuka Umunna. He’s already claiming EU opposition to state aid is one of Jeremy’s “absurd myths”. But it’s not just the rules; it’s EU sentiment against nationalisation. Thatcher helped us into Europe. She was wrong, so the EU capitalist-club must be wrong too. For the Bennite Corbyn this is a no-brainer.

Jeremy stifles a yawn, realising he better pretend he played a part in the Remain campaign, and didn’t sabotage it with watered-down statements handed in too late for the 10pm news that everyone watches after dinner. Blimey Remainers were slow. But the Corbster always knew that. Same as the students – as if there’d ever be free tuition fees!

There’s no point offending anyone, but he needn’t play to a side. He pauses to recompose himself. When the Tories fall apart after a disastrous Brexit deal, and after he lets the nation fester for a while in the sludge of economic depravity, there will only be one man to vote for.

Jeremy steps outside, smiling for the cameras. His triumph in the next election was inevitable. His smile grows wider. The people will vote for him anyway.

He will be the only viable alternative.


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Chris Matthews