Creative Writing, Venue

Nothing in between

How does one find words for things that are but one big blur?

A fragment here, another there, as countless feelings stir

It’s all inside, and all locked in, one big emotive load

I feel so much, I’m all filled up, I think I might explode

And still I cannot help but think this chaos makes me shine

It heightens every part of me and makes me feel divine

I’m capable of anything, I am invincible

When I am shot up with this high, no part of me is dull

Like concentrated caffeine is added to my veins

At once I feel like superman, I’m rid of all my strains

Nothing has a limit, oh no, I can do it all

I cannot break, I cannot lose, no, I will never fall

But then I see the things I do destroy more than they make

This hero that I thought I was is nothing but a fake

I am not free, I am in fact my own worst enemy

My malady, it conquers me, and makes my loved ones flee

With strings attached to all my limbs, my mind a prisoner too

I have indeed lost all control, who knows what I might do

Something deep within myself plays tricks upon my mind

It brings about a side of me to which I’m then confined

And though it is now her who pulls the strings that force my hand

Those I love, they do not know, I’m under her command

These strings, my chains, are clearly there, but they cannot be seen

And so to all around me, I am guilty of the scene

I feel this guilt so strongly, I’m indeed my cruellest judge

I’ll condemn myself quite easily, I know to hold a grudge

This mania has sentenced me, it brings about my doom

Sometimes I wish I never left my mum’s unknowing womb

For when the high is over and the low is drawing near

All I can do is wait, as I relive my own worst fear

Again I face the beast that lies inside and waits to strike

Its jaw so strong, its claws so sharp, I do my best to psych

As I am filled with emptiness, my wings weighed down with woe

I lose my grip on who I am, my mind my greatest foe

I hold on tight to sanity, but pointless are my tries

My morbid hell it sucks me in, and so my spirit dies

The bottom reached, the low achieved, what contrast to before

When I could feel and see and do so much that I could soar

Now I have been swallowed by this black and hopeless pit

I could but sleep a thousand years, I care not if I quit

All I know is that I’m numb, I cannot feel a thing

I have no will, I have no hope, no happiness to bring

I see no light, I see no way, what point is there to life?

When all I know is high or low, I beg you for a knife

Black and white or fire and ice and nothing in between

I never know which one to come, it cannot be foreseen

Uncertainty as this is so much more than I can bear

No middle ground to find my rest, I cannot but despair

And yet the worst is what I do to hurt the ones I love

I never mean to do them harm, I never mean to shove

I push away what’s good for me, embrace what does me harm

Self-damage is my bitter talent, one I can’t disarm

My illness is invisible and people think I’m well

But my own mind’s a prison, a cage, in fact it is a hell

Those jaws and claws are in myself, my prison lies within

This war inside, it never stops, and no one is to win

I wear my armour day and night, waiting for this beast

I never know when it arrives, know not when it’s unleashed

It drags me down, it wears me out, but with no final blow

And so I’m forced to live it through, to rise up from this low

If but this climb could offer more a certain sweet relief

But I know I must go down again and so there lies my grief

The fall is unavoidable, there’s nothing I can do

And how long in the depth I’ll spend, oh that I wish I knew.


About Author

Christina Foss

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January 2022
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