You’re a young person looking for sex, but just when it seems like it’s right there, you don’t know what to do. So where do you go? Increasingly nowadays people are looking to dating apps for their partners. We all know the drill, you look at a picture (probably fake), maybe read a bio (if you’re not stretched for time), swipe right if you vibe, and if they agree, you have a conversation. Maybe you start with a classic ‘hi’ (not recommended, makes you seem more boring than a 10 inch drill), maybe you start with a pick-up line (if you were a spiky fruit, you’d be a FINEapple), maybe you do what one friend of mine loves to do and just insult the other person and request they dye their hair black.
The issue is that most tinder conversations fail. Either you don’t vibe with them, they don’t vibe with you, or you meet up with them and realise the best reason to date them is for free photoshop lessons. Or, as is a surprisingly constant reality for many women, you add them on Snapchat and get inundated with dick pics.
Tinder is really part of this whole commercialisation of love. It turns people into a neatly packaged product, a filtered picture and an 11-word bio – “Can’t live without coffee and dogs, only message if you’re 6ft”. It reduces humanity into less information than I use to pick a wrap when getting a meal deal (Chicken Caesar gang).
So where else do you go to? The street? It’s too cold. Obviously you have the classic university staple of a club. Filled with sweaty people and the vague stench of VKs and a £3 bottle of wine you drank in the before entry, a club is a perfect place to find a one-night stand or a relationship where you can’t tell people how you met. You can also tailor your interests to different clubs.
You like people who claim to be indie and went through an emo phase? Waterfront. You enjoy rap music and vague danger? Mantra. You like 50-year-old men who are creeping at 17 year olds? Bar and Beyond. Maybe you do what one girl I know did and go to Loft to find a guy – Greek tragedies have been based on less.
How about at uni? Can’t risk the course mate situation because that’s like when I started talking to my bin man and still have to say ‘hi’ three years later. As they say, don’t shit where you eat. Housemate? Same situation. A person in a society? Good option, you’ll have similar interests, you have easy talking points, but if you break up or it goes poorly, suddenly you’re wasted paying subs to a society you can’t take part in anymore. Really, the best option is to just accept you’ll be alone forever and focus on your degree. Or you can always go to Damn Good and pull someone in Blue Bar for the 3rd week in a row. It’s a streak at that point.