The Union of UEA Students has announced that it intends to make the transition to full communism in time for the 2015-16 academic year. Concrete understands that the plans are at a fairly late stage of development, and that they have had the backing of key figures from within the union.
A raft of changes will be implemented across a wide range of the union’s activities over the summer. Concrete understands that the impact on students will be considerable, although the full implications of the transformation have not yet been revealed.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, an officer told Concrete: “The transition to communism has long been the desired end-point of the student movement. It gives me great joy that the dream of comrades the world over will be realised in Norwich. Praise be to Lenin”.
Despite the general uncertainty over the plans, some details have been leaked to Concrete by insiders. The area between Norfolk and Suffolk Terraces is to become a prototype collective farm overseen by suitably qualified students from BIO and ENV. The long-term aim is that the university shall become self-sufficient in the production of key cereals by 2020. The School of Education shall be renamed the School of Re-education, and its students tasked with ensuring ideological purity across the university.
In addition, Concrete anticipates a number of economic changes. In a bid to attain full employment, the union will greatly increase the number of student staff. Asked how this would be achieved, the union’s newly appointed Information Commissar said: “In the new command economy, where we previously employed one person to do one person’s worth of work, we will look to employ several. Praise be to Lenin”. For example, Concrete understands that no-one working behind the bar will be permitted to pull more than one third of a pint, thus tripling the workforce. There are fears that this, along with other changes, will lead to greater inefficiency and will massively increase waiting times, but further details have not been forthcoming.
The centrepiece of the revamped, communist union is expected to be the position of the Vice Chancellor, David Richardson. Along with other members of senior staff, he will be made to grow cucumbers on Chancellor’s Green, his new position redolent of that of the last emperor of China. From September, his office’s budget will be spent on revolutionary banners, barricades and hobnail boots.
Hard-hitting changes will be accompanied by more superficial modifications. The union’s official logo – which currently reads “UEASU: students transforming” – will become “PravdaSU: students revolutionising”. Union Council will henceforth be known as the Supreme Soviet, and the Student Officer Committee will, from September, be called the Politburo. The position of chief executive will be abolished and replaced by that of General Secretary.
Concrete has tried to obtain further details about the changes but has been unable to find out more. Reports that all students and staff will be required to wear Mao suits and live in industrial communes remain unconfirmed. Indeed, following repeated requests for comment, Concrete’s phone line was cut and our office was targeted by vandals.
Praise be to Lenin.