Fashion, OldVenue

Take it off

You’re going out, not alone, but with friends. You’re hoping to pull and, hopefully, the guy on the end of your lips is not going to be that old Indian man who often frequents Pulse. You think to yourself: what do I wear? I know we think about clothes everyday but tonight is different. Tonight you might get sex. Yes ladies, sex.

Now, us ladies put a lot of effort into getting ready for sex. So for the benefit of the male population of UEA, I thought that I would shed some light on what might go through a girl’s head when getting ready for a sexy night out.

When I say “getting ready” I am not talking about those conversations with guidance councillors and pretentious PSHE teachers that they force upon you at school. Neither do I mean those annoying problem pages which basically preach celibacy. I am instead talking about the thought process that goes into one’s clothes selection before engaging in sexual jovialities …

We want to wear clothes that boys will want to take off, or rip off. Clothes that can be physically removed with a certain level of ease.  A prime example of an item of clothing which should be avoided before the naked pants dance is skinny jeans. Although they may make your bum look plump, full and juicy, they are not attractive to get off. The legendary take-your-jeans-off shuffle should be limited to when you are alone in your room and in fitting rooms worldwide. Dragging your feet out of them while raising your knee to your chin does not provide a sexy angle for your potential partner. It might even make him run to the door, before returning to ask you to unlock said door so he can continue running.

So, if jeans are a no-no, what else can one wear. A skirt? Skirts are good, and sometimes might not even need taking off if you are that hot for each other. Or, if you’re just feeling a little bit slutty in an alleyway. Perhaps a dress? Dresses are always nice, as long as you can undo them without looking like an absolute idiot. By this I mean you should aim to wear one that you can remove without having to bend over and tug repeatedly until it eventually comes over your head and onto the floor where it belongs.

By way of summary, a pre-game outfit needs to make you look attractive, without giving too much away (think a sexy Kinder Egg Surprise). It also needs to be easy to take off. Perhaps it should also be important to factor in that whatever you choose to wear may also need to be easy to put on if it turns out that you are in fact the one attempting to run out of the door as fast as you can.

Personally, one my sexiest outfits is my leather leggings. They slip off before you have time to say Ross Geller. I team them with a spotty blouse that you can just about see my bra through, putting the Kinder Egg theory into motion. So ladies, go home and try everything on you own. Then grade each item of clothing by how swiftly you can remove it. Also, don’t judge me if you see me wearing my sexy outfit in the LCR.


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January 2022
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