Talking about sex outside your relationship

Let’s talk about sex… Maybe. Be it discussing the awkward sexual encounter with the person at the bar from last night, to what the sex is like in your relationship, you can guarantee that for as long as people have been doing it, people have been discussing it.

Sex, by its very nature, is an intimate subject and essentially there is no guidebook as to how, where, when or in how much detail you should discuss the ins and outs (no pun intended) of your love encounters. That age old adage that when you date a person, you also date their friends, is true of most relationships, so you can kind of guarantee that a lot of what you get up to in the sack won’t always stay between you and your partner. But is this necessarily a bad thing?

Sex is a completely healthy and natural physical expression of two peopleís feelings for one another (or the product of a little too much Jägermeister), but it can also be very scary being so exposed to another person. And, when we feel vulnerable most of us look to our friends for support, be it with hints, tips, tricks or just reassurance. We all need an outlet: someone to confide in. So in fact talking about your copulation with your friends as well as with your other half is quite a positive pastime. As for the issue of oversharing, well that all depends on your personal boundaries and whether your friends have the constitution to endure hearing ALL the gory details!

As much as there can be an anxiety surrounding how much to share about your sex life, it’s equally important to acknowledge the insecurities around not having sex or feeling you’re not having enough sex. Despite the virile nature of most of the student population, some people for personal, religious or emotional reasons, or simply because they haven’t met the right person yet, aren’t engaging in sex and this can sometimes be a lonely place.

There can be anxieties about being perceived as prudish or ‘not normal’ because you’re not sleeping with people and if you want to have sex, you can feel like everyone else but you is having sex and why doesn’t anybody love me and I’ll always be alone… (cue Bridget Jones moment)! But not having sex doesn’t and shouldn’t define you as a person.

Photo: Everett Collection / Rex Features
Photo: Everett Collection / Rex Features


It also doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about sex. Talking about sex, as with many things, is a great way to dispel myths, release frustrations, soothe insecurities or even just swap notes on what works best! So if you’re having it then great, but if you’re not, it’s nothing to stress about as there’s plenty of time to get down to it when you’re ready.


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April 2021
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