For an evening out on the town, a lot of time and effort goes into putting together the perfect outfit. Dolled up to the nines, you strut into your favourite club and your night begins. You see him. Your eyes meet across the dance floor. It is like love at first sight. No one in this world could keep you two apart. Now, it’s not because you’ve had 12 double vodkas and those beer goggles could make a Shrek look alike take on the appearance of David Beckham. Oh no. Its love and you both know it. His style is fabulous and so is yours. You just have so much in common. Your dress is from Urban Outfitters. So are his chinos. It’s a match made in heaven. All evening you share romantic dances and then he poses the question you’ve been waiting for: “Do you want to get out of here?”
All you remember the next day is an extortionate cab fare after inhaling some questionable chips. What followed can only be described as a drunken fumble. Maybe those twelve jaeger bombs were in hindsight, not such a brilliant idea. After such a disastrous decision, at least you can find comfort in the peace and tranquillity of your own bed. That is, unless someone is occupying it with you. Someone who will not leave. As if a hangover wasn’t bad enough, now you are suffering from “the lingover”.
Now, “the lingover” is when a guest from the evening before lingers in one’s room/flat/house far past their welcome. Radical decisions often have to be made in a desperate attempt to force them to leave.
If you have suffered from one of these asphyxiating guests, don’t worry, you are not alone. If you truly want your visitor to stop lingering you must be prepared to be brutal and potentially embarrass yourself. A simple “Hey, I’ve got work to do, I’ll text you later” will not suffice with this kind of pest. Here are a few hints and tips to make your Gary Lingerer run for the hills.
“Last night when I said I was on the pill, I lied. I can’t wait to have our baby.”
“You might want to get checked later … ”
“Hey, do you want some breakfast? Off you go then, McDonalds is around the corner.”
“I can’t wait for you to meet my parents. They’ll be here in half an hour.”
“Do you want to see my collection of My Little Pony outfits? I want you to have one to remember me by.”
One may think these statements are a little too much. However, if someone really is truly outstaying their welcome, then desperate times call for desperate measures. All the hope and excitement you felt last night has evaporated. It also appears that your beloved dress now has a mysterious white stain down the front… You look at the floor to see his chinos. You look at the label. They aren’t from Urban Outfitters after all. They’re from Topman.