A tongue-in-cheek love letter to Theresa May

Dear Prime Minister,

Cheer up – it’s almost Valentine’s Day- and if you didn’t realise, people love you. Yep, when those Brexiteer backbenchers from the European Research Group (ERG) schemed against you, it was out of love. See they’ve lived in a posh, male-dominated bubble for too long, and it’s their secret kink for you to put them in their place. Rees-Mogg may be the Tories’ political pinup, but you have the power and you’re not letting go: dominatrix-style.

Then there’s the DUP. They appear to hate you for effectively proposing a border down the Irish Sea. But we all know that’s a front and they can’t bring themselves to vote against you when it really counts. They’re undying loyalists, and like our friends in the ERG they love a dominant Conservative woman showing them what’s what.

Labour is a problem. Their supporters don’t love you yet, but only because they’re still coming to terms with their relationship with Jeremy. (It turns out he may be a sly sexist, even though he denies calling you or even saying the phrase ‘stupid woman’).

But forget all of them – I hear congratulations are in order! Project Fear is flourishing, and you are the architect. You won’t take it off the table but you are fanning the flames, creating a picture of the total chaos you reckon a no-deal [Br?]exit would create. People up and down the country are getting really worried about it, and all because you appear to be bullying them into submission. The thing is, although you’re slightly out of your time, you understand how to retain power. And power is the secret craving of all these liberal lefties at university.

Securing student support is easy. We’re young, dumb, and full of outrageously preposterous ideas. Promise us free tuition and you’ll have us wrapped around your little finger regardless of the fact you may or may not mean it. We too need someone powerful to protect us; we are snowflakes after all!

So listen, Theresa: forget about Nissan and Dyson and Sony – you don’t need them in post-Brexit Britain. Forget parliament and forget anyone who doesn’t bend the knee. In our heart of hearts we know with all the power in your hands (and kitten heels) you’ll make the best possible decisions.

Enter Supreme Leader May – a new type of leader for the modern era. Not stubborn, but devoted. Not clueless, but cunning. Not desperately clinging on to power without regard to Britain’s future, but calm, collected, and lovable.

Everyone loves a power play, and you’ve mastered it. In fact, think no more of ‘Supreme Leader’. Your title should be Supreme Mistress May, an empowered, modern day woman, bending the country to her will.

Happy Valentine’s Mrs May, and let’s hope you can get us out of this mess. xx

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Chris Matthews

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September 2021
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